Be still my soul

“Be still my soul….be still”…this was the chant of my heart just two days ago.  A day where I found myself crying in the wee bit hours of the night while drained and completely exhausted!  I told you I’d probably be crying (as stated in my previous post before baby Sophia came – “Esperando a Sophia”).

Let me rewind back.  Just 3 weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  Here’s the thing, EXHAUSTION kicked in last week.  What happens when exhaustion kicks in….breakdowns!  My very supportive husband was helping tremendously around the house and with the baby as much as he could and he was fully taking care of the needs of our boys.  Then one day, I noticed him moping around and just looking overwhelmed….being the great wife that I am 😉 I urged him to take a “chill pill” by going into his creative space (woodworking).  He took my advice and headed to the garage, only to come in 2 hours later with a towel wrapped around his hand with a look of terror on his face (I’ll save you the bloody details).  He’d basically cut his fingers on his table saw and it ended up into a trip to the ER!

So here we go into last week.  I had to say goodbye to my recovery time with my daughter and hello to my SUPER WOMAN cape I had hung in my closet!  I was now going to take care of everything because I lost the help of my husband as he was now unable to use one hand and was constantly drowsy from pain medication.  I found myself taking care of my husband, my children, my newborn and of course taking care of self went out the door!

But I kept strong.  You were not going to see me melt down!  After all….I did come from a single mother who raised 7 kids on her own.  Who was I to say I could not do this.  She had to, and now I had to with less than half the amount of kids that she had.  So, everyday seemed to get foggier and foggier.  I was tired, endlessly tired and coffee could no longer doing the trick.  Sleep….rest….what a joke!

My husband started to feel a lot better and became more mobile and helpful towards the end of the week.  Come Sunday he and my boys headed to church while I stayed home with our precious girl.  Sunday was the day I could feel the tension in my head and in my heart.  I could no longer doubt that I was going under and felt completely overwhelmed. Then came bedtime….bedtime….and the thoughts came again “I will not be able to sleep, I’ll be up all night only to do it all again tomorrow.”  My gracious and loving husband looked me in the eyes and asked me if I was ok.  I’m sure he sensed that I was not.  I couldn’t even speak because I was going to cry so I just nodded my head trying to assure him that I was “ok.”

Obviously he noticed that I wasn’t and proceeded to share with me in love everything he’d learned at church earlier that day.  He took out the notes and read everything to me and of course it was all in lines with stress and feeling overwhelmed with life.  Then came options of solutions.  He urged me to read them and to tell him which of those options I needed most…I told him I needed all of them but then I selected one….STILLNESS.

Here’s the thing.  I grew up with an example of a woman who HUSTLED!  Hustling and making things happen comes absolutely easy for me.  I don’t try to make excuses and I’m constantly moving.  Stillness, that is tough!  I don’t know how to be still.  To me, filling every moment of every day with productivity brings me complete joy.  Watching TV or doing something that doesn’t check off another task on my to do list is wasted time.  I took 15 minutes out of that entire day….really, that entire week!  15 minutes to sit  in silence and give myself permission to be, and to CRY.  I listened to worship music.  I silenced my busy heart and mind and I just laid on my couch with no agenda, and not thoughts about tomorrow.  I took deep breaths and per breath I felt life and joy return to me.  It was like fuel to my soul.

The next day (a Monday) I would have naturally hit the floor running.  I would have opened my eyes and played my to do list in my head.  I would imagine little boxes next to that list just waiting to be checked off.  I’d be ready…ready to make Monday a motivation monday kind of day!  But instead I didn’t.  I calmly got out of my bed.  I smiled because I woke up well and my family was well.  I walked over to my children’s room and woke them up for school.  Everything from point A to point B now had points in between.  I was aware and present.  My heart and mind were still and calm.  I wasn’t racing.  I realized then that I was missing a few things in between life’s to do’s.  I know not everyday will be this still and I know I won’t always feel as present as I did this morning.  But I’d like to try.  I dream of days where I could wake up to beach walks and silence but until then I’ll just imagine that my car rides taking noisy kids to school is just as calm and soothing.

Ohhhhh, be still my soul.

d